Roller Coaster of Emotions

Deciding to completely give up alcohol is an enormous decision. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying decisions I have ever made in my life. For someone like me, it is all you know. It is something my entire social life had been based around since I was in my mid teens. It turned mundane tasks into enjoyable adventures, awkward situations into manageable affairs, and frankly, I loved the way it made me feel. To give up something that had been a constant in my life for the better part of decade absolutely freaked me out. What was it going to be like sober? Was I going to lose friends? Would people like the sober version of Jake? Would I be able to talk to girls? They are so pretty, smell so nice, and have certain parts I don’t get to see in the mirror everyday. To not sound like a creep, would I be able to pull my shit together in those situations? To just stop was incredibly scary. But you know what else is scary….? Fucking spiders! You know the feeling when you see one. That split second you look for the self-destruction button to blow up your entire house. I think that’s why there is not a self-destruct iPhone app because the general populous would initiate World War III in an attempt to eradicate the world of spiders. Zombies….. just another walk in the park. Vampires…… they sparkle in the sun. Spiders…… here’s an entire truckload of nopes. Think about what it takes to overcome the fear to get close enough to kill a spider with an aerosol can. That’s what giving up alcohol is like, but you have that feeling of apprehension everyday, because you have never experienced most social situations without a heightened BAC.

When finally coming to the realization that your not going to just take it easy for awhile, and that you are giving up drinking for good, you experience nothing less than a roller coaster of emotions. You feel shame for the way you treated or used people under the influence. Guilt for rationalizing your actions in thinking it was ok because “I was just drunk.” And finally you feel anger. Anger in the fact of why me? Why can’t I go out and socially drink like my friends without getting plastered, or why did it seem trouble always found me. Now to be clear, I have no shame in killing a family of spiders, no guilt in equipping a flame thrower out of a grill lighter and a can of WD40 to inhumanely destroy them, or no problem with the blind sense of anger that I channel to end them, but for man who could be described as bit stubborn with the ego the size of a mountain, it was hard to accept these feelings as normal.

When you have used alcohol for so long as tool to suppress your emotions, when they finally do come around, they come all at once like a ton of bricks. I honestly thought something was wrong with me. I got on Google and WebMD to research the symptoms of male menopause or to see if somehow I’d contracted the Ebola virus. I had no idea what I was experiencing. Turns out they were just normal every day feelings. A few weeks ago I went to the movie Guardians of the Galaxy. I am a bit of a nerd and I find Chris Pratt to be hilarious so when a friend suggested we go I was all on board. The first scene started with him talking to his mother on her deathbed and I lost it. I was balling like a girl reading a Nicholas Sparks novel. What the hell was going on? C’mon Jake, you’ve chop blocked a 300+ lb all state lineman, you’ve fought off more headlocks then one can count, you were a human bruise from blocking fastballs in the dirt, and now you have tears rolling down your face, let alone allowing it to happen in front of a friend. I couldn’t let him see me. I had to pretend like I had a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat to mask the fact I was sobbing.

This was not an isolated incident either. Whenever I see the Sarah Mclaughlin commercial with all the abused animals and her song, “arms of an Angel” playing in the background, it is like someone turned on the waterworks. It takes everything I have to not grab my wallet and max out my credit cards to save all the puppies in the world and help a Canadian singer who is well out of her prime become relevant again. These feelings are something completely foreign to me. I no longer spend my downtime watching the Sylvester Stalone arm wrestling movie “Over the Top.” Just kidding, I still do that, but now I often find myself gravitating towards a cheesy Rom Com so I can laugh, cry, and make my heart tingle, all at the same time. Good thing I use my family’s Netfllix account so I can blame the “recently watched” on my sister. Now if anyone has a problem with that, I am still Jake, and still possess a cross face of legend. So kiss my ass. I haven't completely changed as you can see, being I still have trouble articulating my feelings, but damn, it feels good to feel them.

Now in this blog I will always inject a bit of humor because it comes easy to me and I always vowed to not take myself too seriously. With that being said, there is no doubt that quitting alcohol has been and will be an extreme rollercoaster of emotions, but I look forward to letting go, putting my hands in the air, and continuing to enjoy this scary new ride.

Adding father figure to my resume

I recently made the decision to refrain from alcohol and to completely reinvent myself and live a sober life. I was tired of the trouble that came with it, the hangovers, and turning myself into something that I was not proud of. I have been completely sober now for about 3 months. I’m not looking for a gold star or a cookie because to be completely honest I don’t care what your thoughts are on this. This is something I did for myself. Much of my adult life has been predicated on drinking and partying so I am excited to find out who Jake Grothoff really is. Let me tell ya, from what I have found thus far, he is a complete weirdo. Last night I attended my first bachelor party sober and it was quite an experience. For example, one of the first things I noticed about drunk people is that they talk extremely loud. Extremely loud for no reason at all, but I’ll touch more on that later. The idea for this blog started last night as I was talking to one of the guys on the bachelor party and they suggested I write down the things I see because I will remember everything. I figured what the hell. It may be fun as I begin to experience life through a sober lens. So, lets get to the events of last night.

We ended up at a small town bar and wouldn’t you know it, we pulled in the same time as another bus that was filled with a Bachelorette party. Normally this would have been a sight for sore eyes. Are you kidding me? A bunch of drunk, presumably slutty girls celebrating a bachelorette party would have been fantastic. The key there is would…. because I was less then thrilled. Who am I? I think in a clear state of mind I was able to predict the future and know that there would be a lot of screaming. Trust me, it hurts your ears in old age. Oh well, I bit my tongue, and decided to man up. C’mon Jake, you used to love drunk girls. You can handle this.

I viewed a bachelorette party a little different this time around. First thing is first; the themes that are continually used for bachelorette parties are ridiculous. This party was as ridiculous as the rest. C’mon, get a little creative and do something new. They had the straws, suckers, balloons, etc. all in the shape of a male reproductive organ. If you’re not drunk, do you realize how creepy that is? It is not an attractive shape. Also, it is a complete double standard. If I finally fulfill my mother’s dream and choose to take the plunge into marriage, it is not like I could wear a vagina hat around at my bachelor party. I would probably end up in a straight jacket….because it’s f’ing weird. Getting married doesn't give you the excuse to be a psychopath. Think about it.

Also, give the bouquet of suckers a rest. Other then being very cliché, it is quite bothersome to be asked if I want a “Suck for a Buck” 15 times. Seriously, I will just give you five bucks to leave me alone, because obviously you are all out of sour apple and if you think I want a grape blow pop then you are out of your freaking gourd. As you can see it was inevitable I would reach my breaking point.

Inside the bar, I decided to mind my own business and enjoy a surprisingly refreshing water while trying to avoid the ensuing chaos that is two wedding parties crossing paths, when I am bumped into by a few people from each party. I really had no desire to listen in on their conversation, but like I noted earlier, intoxicated people shout conversations at each other. It is not just the shouting, there seems to be no flow or transition to conversations. It turns out to be just a bunch of random ideas screamed at each other. This party was no different as someone suggested in a loud voice to a certain female of the group that she should uncover her breasts. Those exact words were not the ones used, but my grandmother is on Facebook so you can use your imagination. To make a long story short, through a monetary exchange, those puppies came out. I didn’t even try to look, but I have evolved peripherals you know, so I saw the show.

I turned away while there was some random words being spoken back and forth between the parties, and just tried to focus on the preseason football game that was on the TV. Yeah….I was watching preseason football to occupy my time. I turn to say something to one of my friends and they were nowhere to be found, and sitting there staring at me is the aforementioned girl with daddy issues. In her attempt to sound sexy, she slurred the words, “Let’s take a shot.” While I scanned the room to see if I could find a guy of equal inebriation to stick her on, I held up my glass and informed her it was just water for me. You would think that would be taken as a hint, but she proceeded to start rubbing my leg and informed me that I should at least buy her a drink. Genuinely interested, I asked why I should buy her a drink. She says, “you got to see.” I assumed she meant the uncovering of her breasts as she placed her hands on her bosoms and sputters, “I gave you something, now you give me something.” At this point I was tired, annoyed from dealing with drunk people, and feeling sorry for her. I told her that I would not be giving her a drink, but I would be giving her something else instead and that is advice. I looked her in the eye and told her she clearly had some self esteem issues and that no guys would take her seriously if she continued to act like this. I apparently struck a chord, because she stood up and told be that I was an F’ing asshole and left. I realized at that moment that being sober would bring many new challenges, and if that meant I need to be a father figure to drunks girls in bars, then I accept the challenge. Who would have thought. I’m becoming a role model.

So I am still new to this and it will take awhile to get used to not being on the same level as people who are intoxicated, but I look forward to a challenge. It will be fun documenting my new adventures in reversing the role in which I occupied for so long. If anything it should be at least entertaining.