An end of an Era

It’s actually over. An end of an era. The conclusion of a career. My days of drinking and living a party lifestyle have come to an end. It was the only thing I had that I truly considered myself to be great. Now I am good at a lot of things. For example: Satirical poetry, Super Nintendo, and I play a mean left field in slow pitch softball. (2/3 of the earth is covered in water….. I cover the rest.) In those things I was definitely good, but in terms of drinking and partying, I was great. My professional drinking career was lengthy, consistent, spanned multiple states and countries, and if there was a hall of fame for partiers, I would most certainly be a first balloter. Being a self-proclaimed drinking legend is different though. Quitting or retiring from drinking is not like a legend retiring from the sport or profession they loved. There was no farewell tour like the one being put on for Derek Jeter. I did not receive free drink packages and most definitely wasn’t presented with commemorative plaques from all of the drinking establishments I frequented to signify the end of an era. There was no cheesy hash tag created in memorial of the brilliance of my career.  Nor did I have the opportunity to pay homage to the activity I loved, by doing something like pausing and tipping my hat on Swilcan Bridge at the Historic St. Andrews. (That was a golf reference turds.)

There is a reason I wasn’t given a lavish retirement celebration or a hero’s farewell as I rode off into the sunset. The fact is no one cared! No one cared and they shouldn’t have. Frankly, I was just another drunk. I didn’t do anything life changing to the benefit of others. Other then paying the electric bill at a few bars, I really did nothing. There was no cure for cancer developed during my many drinking sessions. I was not awarded the Medal of Honor for valiantly protecting the country I love while drunk. And I most certainly did not save the world from an asteroid the size of Texas like the guys from the 1998 Oscar snub “Armageddon.”  Seriously, you critics can kiss my ass. Armageddon was cinematic gold! Sorry, that is an issue for another post, but back to what I was getting at.

 It’s crazy when you stop because you finally come around to the idea that you weren’t very good at drinking. In fact, you were exceptionally bad. It’s a cold hard realization to come to. Turns out you were just like those fools on American Idol.  You know the ones. The crazies that thought they were the next  big star, yet sounded like nails on a chalk board and had their dreams come to crashing halt from a seemingly constipated Simon Cowell. Embarrassed to say, but I wish I had come to this realization a lot sooner. Yo Simon, where were you when I was a 19 year old sophomore in college asshole?

As an insanely competitive person, to realize you were awful at the one thing you thought to be great is tough. It’s deflating. I wish I had a clever word or phrase to describe this, but the only thing I can say is, “SHIT.” So what next? What do I do? What am I good at? I reckon it’s time to figure out what I am great at. Not really sure what that entails, but I certainly have more time on my hands and am definitely optimistic. Think of all the time that was wasted bellied up at a bar. It was easy to come up with these great ideas, but they were never remembered or acted upon.  So for everyone reading I promise to come up with the absolute craziest ideas and I will act upon them. The sky is the limit. I mean, if you can talk your uber-conservative mother into taking family photos in matching wolf shirts then you probably have a few screws loose and a blatant disregard for normalness.

For years I thought I was so great, but at what? Getting drunk? There are millions of people who are already good at that. The thing I valued so highly and the thing I thought that set me apart was literally the thing holding me back. Hey, I wish I could drink. I really do. I wish I could have a few drinks, get red faced, and giggle at everything that people said. Unfortunately I can’t. I am a person who slams a 12 pack, climbs a building and takes their pants off.  So I can’t do it and it is something I have to live with, but I’ve got a lot of built up energy that needs to be expended and hey, I think it’s about time I do something crazy. Something crazy like, let's say, getting Savage Garden back together. Stay tuned and have a great week. 

I don't have leprosy, I have a drinking problem.

Trust me. To abruptly stop drinking can be an extremely awkward thing. Normal social activities can be awkward as you begin to learn how to interact in a social setting without a buzz. Being you have never done it before you can’t pretend to hide the awkwardness and at times you feel like Rick Bobby from Talladega Nights in his first ESPN interview, as you are not quite sure what to do with your hands.

This is something you are able to foresee as you head into sobriety. It is going to take a little time to be completely comfortable in these situations and could be something that you may never be 100% comfortable with. While this is something you expect, you will never be ready for the fact that your choice to refrain from the use of alcohol will make others feel awkward.

There is no beating around the bush. If you do not drink, then you are basically different from everyone in their 20’s….. except for maybe Tim Tebow. Just like it is a work in progress for Tim Tebow to learn to play quarterback, it’s a work in progress as Jake learns to be sober. 

Now that you are sober, and quite possibly the only sober person that many people know, others are going to feel uncomfortable around you. Everyone acts like they are walking on eggshells around you when it comes to drinking or even talking about drinking. For those unfamiliar with the expression, it is defined in the dictionary as followed:

2. Fig. to be very diplomatic and inoffensive. I was walking on eggshells trying to explain the remark to him without offending him further.

This is something I experience often in the early days of my sober adventures. People do not know how to act around me. I did not murder anyone or was not abducted by aliens. Let me make this very clear. I do not have leprosy. I have a drinking problem. I am not contagious. 

If I bite you, it will not make you become sober, it will just hurt like a mother fucker. I didn’t mean to scare anyone. There is a 95% chance that I will never bite any of you, unless you eat my pretzels or finish off my Cap’n Crunch. You’ve been warned. It sometimes seems like everyone tries so hard to be politically correct that things just get weird. On Monday morning at work, you do not have to stop talking about your crazy weekend if I approach you. I wish you would stop talking about how excited you are for your new fall wardrobe when I approach you, because just like you talking about alcohol around me, I don’t care about your boots.  I am pretty well versed in the art of drinking so probably could be a very good resource for people. I can talk about it.

It is refreshing that people do care and I do appreciate your efforts, but if you offer me a drink, no need to apologize or feel bad. I am prepared to say no and my feelings will not be hurt in the slightest. Just the other day during a football game I was offered a swig of moonshine from a friend. They quickly realized and remembered that I no longer drink and quickly apologized. I did not feel offended in the least bit and let them know that if I were to fall off the wagon; it would most certainly not be to a clear flammable liquid out of a mason jar with the same ph balance as gasoline. Being sober I will have to find a new way to put hair on my chest, because every part of my being wants to have a chest full of hair like Tom Sellek. I am only up to about 19 chest hairs, but am hoping to have a magnificent forest growing under my shirt someday.  Like anything it is going to take time for people to not feel awkward around me as my situation is so different, but think of me like a vegetarian. If you’re with a vegetarian you are not going to feel awkward asking them to pass the mustard so you can enjoy a delicious corndog are you? No, because it their choice to not eat meat like it is my choice to not drink. So please don’t think you need to cater to me in any way. To my benefit, water is served everywhere. Unfortunately for vegetarians, that quinoas shit is not.

I made it a point early on the process of becoming sober that I was not hiding anything from anyone…..hence the blog. Those who know me well, know that I do things my own way and that might even be an understatement. When opening up to others about my situation many offered their sincerest support and reassured me that my secret was safe with them and some even politely asked me what I thought people would think. Now keeping this a secret was never an option as hiding something is a lot of the work. Some days I struggle to just get pants on in the morning so putting forth the effort to keep this a secret just seemed ridiculous. Now I was luckily born with the blessing (or at times a curse) of having the ability to not put much stock in what others think. I mean, of course I care what people think of me. I want people to think that I would give others in need the shirt off my back, or if I saw you on the side of the road with a flat I’d be the first to help put on a spare, and definitely want the world to know that I am one of the best Super Mario World players in the Midwest. Seriously, I am good! Like Tiger Woods pre infidelity scandal good. I am much more concerned with people knowing those things about me then I am fretting about what people think about me opening up about my struggles with alcohol. Many might not know, but I put myself into outpatient rehab. I spent most evenings for the better half of the summer there. Did I think I could stop on my own? Absolutely, because in my head I can do anything on my own, but this is something I wanted bad enough that I had to make it real and felt this was the best way to make that happen. 

Many told me, “Jake, you don’t have a drinking problem!” No you’re right, I wasn’t sitting on the street corner offering a handy for a bottle of vodka, or when getting ready for work I wasn’t brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack (Ok, I hate myself for referencing Ke$ha because I think she is awful, but I have to relate to what people on Facebook know), and honestly I rarely even drank during the week and mostly partied on weekends, but “I” had a problem with “my” drinking and felt it necessary to make some changes. I know some people will think I am crazy or even pathetic for sharing. Many of you couldn’t fathom being so open and transparent to such a large audience about what is going on in your life. But in the awful southern accented words of James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues, “ I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE.”  Thanks for reading and enjoy some football on this fine Sunday.

My Sober Life the Documentary

My Sober Life the Documentary

Living a life completely free form the influence of alcohol is the ultimate change. It is literally like you woke up from a 10 year coma and everything around you has changed, when in reality, you are the only thing to change. Blogging about my struggles, realizations, and adventures has been a coping mechanism and a way to deal with my world being turned upside down. It has let everyone in my social circle know that this life choice is indeed real. The majority of people are supportive, but there will always be a few who disagree or make it their mission to try and change your mind. I have appreciated the support, but at times it can be overwhelming. As it is so new for me to not drink, it is just as new to everyone I have ever known or partied with. So there will be a bit of a learning curve. Friends and acquaintances are always going to try and help and a common theme has been offering me a soda, soft drink, or some other non-alcoholic beverage. I sincerely appreciate the gesture, but people have to realize that if I drink a Coca Cola every time you go up to the bar to get a new drink that I will go into a diabetic comma. Thank you for the hospitality, but if I am thirsty I am able to get myself refreshment.

Being in your mid twenties and sober you are a rare and almost nonexistent breed. While most cannot fathom the decision, most are supportive, but mostly intrigued as they have never met a sober 26 year old before. They want to know is it hard? Do you like it? Do you miss it? Am I annoying?  Or repeatedly tell me, I have no idea how you do it. You’re a better man than I. I’m proud of you, but you’re crazy. It feels like I am so different now that I should be in a zoo or a part of a traveling museum exhibit that is put on display for people’s enertainment. My mind works in a strange way and I have often pretended in these new sober adventures that I am a rare breed of animal with a Planet Earth like documentary following my every move. In the proceeding italicized text, you must read this in the English accent of your choosing. Mainly because if I can get you to do that, then I will get a chuckle, but it gives it a more dramatic effect like it is a true documentary.

(Insert whispering accent; British, Australian, New Zealand, South African etc.)

Tonight we have been absolutely fortunate enough to stumble upon an adult Aclohol Abstinent Homo Saipan in the wild. This creature is native to the Midwestern United States, but has proven to survive in various climates. Even when the opportunity presents itself this utterly fantastic creature makes the bewildering choice to refrain from drinking alcohol in a social setting. To actually see one in the wild is  of the utmost rarest occasions. It is so rare that famed zoologist Steve Irwin (Rest In Peace) has compared the sighting of one of these magnificent creatures to be on par with seeing the once said to be extinct Dodo bird. This highly evolved individual has an innate sense of patience, a moderate speaking tone, and has amassed the ability to only tell a story once in a given night. Unlike other’s in the animal kingdom, this individual’s mating rituals are vastly different form it’s counterparts. This individual try’s to use wit, humor, and actually listening, to secure potential mates without the use of fireball. While many animals have a distinct mating dance, this individual can be seen in the corner of the dance floor feeling very awkward and uncomfortable. Now we are going to lay low to try not to disturb this animal in hopes to study them, as there is little to no research on one the most rare creatures known to mankind.

I get this is extremely exaggerated, but when you are in these situations you do feel like you are being watched and studied because you are so different. It may me weird, but you have no idea how wildly entertaining it is to go through a night with a bit of English commentary describing your every move.

Being completely sober at social functions like wedding receptions is still new to me, but I am learning and have observed a few things that individuals in my same situation or newly pregnant women will encounter.

1.     Have an escape plan

This is something I was completely unprepared for. To my defense, I had a severely sprained ankle from a recent flag football injury and without this being an alcohol induced injury, I have recently come to the cold realization that I am no longer 17. Due to this injury, I was completely immobile and was unable to get away. Intoxicated people cannot read social cues, body language, or increased annoyance in speaking tone. When one of these drunken leeches finds you, they are not going away. They will tell you everything about their life, for instance that they are only going to have two children because kids are expensive and they just bought an equinox. This actually made complete sense, but at the time was very humorous how it was presented. Can't forget the individual who informed me of how great a listener they were, yet I listened to them ramble for an hour. Also, apparently someone being 2^nd cousins to a person you were talking to earlier is the perfect Segway to introduce yourself and become best friends.

2.     Drunk people are ninjas!

I can only imagine how exhausting this day was for the bride and groom and while I maybe only experienced 1/16 of the stresses a wedding day brings, I was exhausted. Tuxedo shoes are not comfortable in the slightest and my dogs were barking. Too add onto the fact I had a bum ankle and the thought of lying in bed with my feet raised was heavenly. I was able to get into the elevator alone to ensure that I was not followed, as no one knew my room number. As I limped down the hallway to room 308 I stopped for a moment to reflect on the crazy night and leaned my head against the door to collect my thoughts. This was only long enough to let out an exasperated sigh that took no more then 5 seconds. I flung open the door and tossed my suit jacket to the floor. I had a strange feeling that I could not describe and was drawn to watching the door to make sure it shut. Just as the door was reaching its final resting place for the night, a set of flesh colored fingers slid right in between the door and latch preventing the door from shutting.  HOLY CRAP, it was just like that M. Night Shyamalan movie “Signs” where the alien fingers reached under the door and scared viewing audiences all over the world. These were not aliens, but 5 drunk people looking for an after party. How the hell did they find me? There was no one in the hallway when I opened the door and somehow in the 2 seconds it takes for the door to close they were there; stumbling, mumbling, eating all of my munchies, and making themselves at home. With the help of another mildly sober person I was able to get them out of my room, but Damn, I was impressed with their drunken radar and the fact they must have been moving at superhuman speeds to get in there.

3.     Intoxicated people know every word to every song on the radio

Music is a mainstay at most social settings like wedding receptions and when people are “tuned up”, no pun intended, they can sing. It seemed like every song that the DJ plays you would hear a girl scream one of the following phrases:

·      OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG!

·      OMG, THIS IS MY JAM!

·      THIS SONG JUST GETS ME

·      OMG THIS IS TOTES MY FAV SONG RIGHT NOW

Other then having about 50 favorite songs, people who are wasted have amazing lyrical retention. I consider myself a well-read individual, but I can only remember the words to like 4 songs max, and these people can sing every word, to every song ever recorded. Apparently while alcohol may slow your motor functions, it opens up a dormant part of the brain that stores the lyrics of popular top 50 radio songs.

Being sober is definitely a learning experience, but it is something I am getting more and more comfortable with in time. I have stated before that it is not easy and is in fact the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but like anything, if your going to do something you might as well have fun doing it.