Looking Forward

So far, much of this blog has been devoted to my current struggles and the moments leading up to my decision to refrain from the use from alcohol forever. Wow, when I say it like that, the word “for-ev-er” is more powerful then any curse word or expletive that I learned while holding tools for my dad as a kid.

(If you don't know what this movie is. Don't tell me. It will just anger me)

Since much of the time on this blog from here on out will consist of the discussions regarding these struggles, let’s take a week off from being depressing and look to the future. Having a drinking problem is something I knew for a very long time. I was well aware of the things such as: How alcohol changed me, how I drank different then my friends, and how it seemed to be the only thing I talked about were all omnipresent things that I was well aware of. I was in denial for a very long time, but “looking forward” having an alcohol problem was not the only thing I had been living in denial with. Every fiber of my being wants to hate Taylor Swift. Every hair, pour, eyelash, scab, blackhead, and dingleberry wants to hate her. I have pretended for a long time, but I can’t hate her. I CAN’T. She is so catchy and if you pretend not to know every word to every one of her songs, then you are crazy and most likely telling a boldfaced lie. Well, I’m not drinking anymore and so what, I have no find new hobbies. I am going to keep cruising. I can’t stop, won’t stop moving. It’s like I got this music in my mind saying, “ It’s gonna be alright.” Looking forward, I have time to do whatever I want, including quoting pop stars. So, I have to live with a problem, that's fine. I'll just have to SHAKE IT OFF.

Looking forward, I am going to have a lot more time on my hands. I wonder how much time in my still kind of young, not quite graying life have I wasted consuming alcohol. I honestly do not know. If I were to try and quantify the amount of time and then put into words, the following thing is what pops into my mind:

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Moments so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes

How do you measure-measure a year

Now I don’t know, and actually the amount of time could be much more then said in the crappy ballad performed by number of artists including that dork Donny Osmand to becoming even more popular on the Broadway smash Rent. So the moral of the story is, I will have a lot of time. A lot of time to do anything I choose. From traveling to India, to learning how to sew maybe, and definitely avenging the embarrassing defeat from a few weeks ago and kicking the little red head girl's ass in the next piano recital. Oh, and I guess I could focus on my career a bit. Like I have noted in previous posts, I don’t really know what I like, but Looking Forward, I have a lot of time to figure it out.

I am not getting any younger. So looking forward, maybe the fact I am consuming less calories, this is the time to get my ass to the gym and get those coveted washboard 6 pack abs. Just kidding, PIZZA. Ok so the 6 pack is out of the question, but perhaps I could eat a few more vegetables instead of replacing my spoon for cottage cheese with a Dorito because then I can eat everything and not have to do dishes. I realize how it sounds when I say it aloud. OK, so I won’t devote my life to fitness, but looking forward, I am excited to use the energy I expended to refine my skills in drinking to do whatever is it is I want.

I don’t know what life looks like looking forward, but I am excited to see what it entails. I am still trying to fill that void in my life, so finding new things to do has been fun. Hey, if you think you have discovered the way to build a time machine, hit me up and let’s do the damn thing. I figure the amount of time and effort I spent being the best drinker I could be will ultimately make it easy to excel in any task I choose, from making spoons made out of Doritos to building the first time machine. I know many of our lives are different and the majority of you don’t struggle with alcohol like I do, but I challenge all of you to try something crazy and new and see how great it feels. In closing, I am very much looking forward to the new path of my life, but seriously, if any of you want to build a time machine I am all in.

Getting comfortable being uncomfortable

There are a few life-changing moments in every person’s life that will never be forgotten. First and foremost, a person will never forget the exact moment they lose their Virginia license plate.  Hold up, I know exactly how all you heathens finished that sentence in your mind and your mother’s would be absolutely ashamed of you. Don’t worry I’m not judging you, but your mind assumed I was talking about the incredibly, painstakingly awkward time of your first sexual experience. I am going to go out on a limb here, but I bet that most of you people ended that sentence with virginity. You assumed what I was going to say and in most instances you would have been right, but this time you were not. We are all at times guilty of assumptions and I am definitely included. I assumed that I’d be able to continue partying and living a careless lifestyle while being both happy and successful. Took me awhile to realize it, but I couldn’t. Being that I “assumed” alcohol would always be in my life, I didn’t really make plans for how to live without it. Right now, I don’t know what I am doing.

I know the reason I gravitated to partying so hard was it took away the feeling of awkward. It gave me the superhuman ability to pretend that I was an uber confident person who didn’t struggle with his own insecurities. It transformed me from an awkward duck to a magnificent swan. It allowed me to step into the transformation chamber and turn from Steve Urkel to Stefan Urquelle. (That was a reference for anyone who grew up in the 90’s.) I drank so hard because I thought people liked my drunken alter ego more then they liked the real me, and frankly I liked the drunken guy better too. That’s when I knew I had to stop. It shouldn’t take a six-pack for someone to feel like they can actually act like themselves, or the way others want them to act. I am an awkward duck and I need to embrace it. There is no question I am a bit out of my groove and I need to right the ship. I will have to swallow my pride and probably ask Stella and see how she got her groove back, but I’m excited to get my mojo back.

 It’s a proven fact that the best life experiences are generated well outside your comfort zone, so starting now; I need to start doing things that make me feel uncomfortable. It won’t be easy, but I’ve got to bite my lip and give her hell. The following items are things I have to do to prove to myself I can:

1.     Approach a complete stranger and tell her she’s beautiful.

This will be the absolute hardest thing to do. Liquid courage is a real thing and trust me, diet Dr. Pepper does not help. It will almost certainly end in failure, but I gotta do it. Not sure how, especially since I am not spending so much time at bars hitting on girls of greater or equal than inebriation. I don’t know what to do! Do I do it at the grocery store? Does one just comment on the product their buying? Girl’s shop at Trader Joes right? This is how I envision the disaster going:

–      Hello,

 I see you are buying coffee. I drink coffee too. My name’s Jake. By the way you’re beautiful….I am going to go crawl in a hole now.

Definitely need to work on this a bit. Why can I just write them a poem? That is much easier then actually approaching and talking to a beautiful stranger, but I have to give it a shot

2.     Do the thing you said you would always do, but never made time. Even if it is really freaking embarrassing

This I have already started. I always wanted to play piano, but never made the time and figured I was too old.  Well I started lessons. Actually had my first recital this weekend and it was a disaster.  I didn’t want to go play in front of people in the first place, but this is time to feel uncomfortable right? Boy, did this make me feel uncomfortable. I have never been more nervous in my life. If you ever think you feel out of place, trying playing at a piano recital with a bunch of 8 year olds when you are 26. Oh, and you are wearing a tuxedo. Apparently kids don’t dress for the occasion anymore. I may not have been the best piano player, but definitely won best dressed.  Besides already being incredibly nervous and the fact my parents and friends made the trip to see me in action, I forgot my sheet music! My freaking music! This is how some would say, “I was F’d in the A”.  Not only were all of these things making my palms very sweaty, I had to play a few spots behind a little red head girl who blew off the roof. This girl should be on Ellen. She may be a direct descendent of Beethoven himself. As soon as she played, all of my friends just looked at me with eyebrows raised. This definitely did not make me any less nervous. Well I finally played, forgot all my notes, and had to restart like 10 times. I was incredibly embarrassed and definitely outside my comfort zone, but it didn’t kill me. I wasn’t even close to good, but I survived being uncomfortable and realized I can do this. Oh and Red……, I am coming for you at the next recital in spring biotch!

3.     Be Honest about how you’ve changed                  

Alcohol made it really easy to be relatable to everyone. That includes complete strangers, old friends, and even new acquaintances. Drinking made it very easy to just agree with everyone and relate on things, while possibly hiding how you really felt. People change and honestly I have changed a lot. I’m not talking about being relatable to the point where you are like, “sweet affliction shirt bro”, but just affirming who you are. I may be an awkward duck. A person who can’t dance, can’t even spell cool, and does things their own way. You really don’t realize you are trying to be something you are not until you stop. And you realize no one cares. Your friends and family like you for the weird awkward duck you are, not the drunken alter ego you develop when drinking. Hey, they may not understand why you pick up the piano in your mid twenties, but they’ll show up to your recital and let you know how much better the little red head is.

I have to start confronting uncomfortable, as I don’t have the six-pack to help. I have no idea what I am doing. I have no clue, but honestly I am having a blast figuring it out.