I recently made the decision to refrain from alcohol and to
completely reinvent myself and live a sober life. I was tired of the trouble
that came with it, the hangovers, and turning myself into something that I was
not proud of. I have been completely sober now for about 3 months. I’m not
looking for a gold star or a cookie because to be completely honest I don’t
care what your thoughts are on this. This is something I did for myself. Much of my adult life has been predicated on drinking and partying so I am excited
to find out who Jake Grothoff really is. Let me tell ya, from what I have found thus far, he is a complete weirdo. Last night
I attended my first bachelor party sober and it was quite an experience. For
example, one of the first things I noticed about drunk people is that they talk
extremely loud. Extremely loud for no reason at all, but I’ll touch more on that later. The idea for this blog started last night as I
was talking to one of the guys on the bachelor party and they suggested I write down the things I see because I will remember everything. I
figured what the hell. It may be fun as I begin to experience life
through a sober lens. So, lets get to the events of last night.
We ended up at a small town bar and wouldn’t you know it, we
pulled in the same time as another bus that was filled with a Bachelorette
party. Normally this would have been a sight for sore eyes. Are you kidding me?
A bunch of drunk, presumably slutty girls celebrating a bachelorette party
would have been fantastic. The key there
is would…. because I was less then thrilled. Who am I? I think in a clear state
of mind I was able to predict the future and know that there would be a lot of
screaming. Trust me, it hurts your ears in old age. Oh well, I bit my tongue,
and decided to man up. C’mon Jake, you used to love drunk girls. You can handle
this.
I viewed a bachelorette party a little different this time
around. First thing is first; the themes that are continually used for
bachelorette parties are ridiculous. This party was as ridiculous as the rest.
C’mon, get a little creative and do something new. They had the straws,
suckers, balloons, etc. all in the shape of a male reproductive organ. If
you’re not drunk, do you realize how creepy that is? It is not an attractive
shape. Also, it is a complete double standard. If I finally fulfill my mother’s
dream and choose to take the plunge into marriage, it is not like I could wear
a vagina hat around at my bachelor party. I would
probably end up in a straight jacket….because it’s f’ing weird. Getting married doesn't give you the excuse to be a psychopath. Think about it.
Also, give the bouquet of suckers a rest. Other then being very cliché, it is quite bothersome to be asked if I want a “Suck for a Buck”
15 times. Seriously, I will just give you five bucks to leave me alone, because
obviously you are all out of sour apple and if you think I want a grape blow
pop then you are out of your freaking gourd. As you can see it was inevitable I
would reach my breaking point.
Inside the bar, I decided to mind my own business and enjoy a surprisingly
refreshing water while trying to avoid the ensuing chaos that is two wedding parties
crossing paths, when I am bumped into by a few people from each party. I really
had no desire to listen in on their conversation, but like I noted earlier, intoxicated
people shout conversations at each other. It is not just the shouting, there
seems to be no flow or transition to conversations. It turns out to be just a
bunch of random ideas screamed at each other. This party was no different as someone suggested in a loud voice to a certain female of the group that she should uncover
her breasts. Those exact words were not the ones used, but my grandmother is on
Facebook so you can use your imagination. To make a long story short, through a
monetary exchange, those puppies came out. I didn’t even try to look, but I
have evolved peripherals you know, so I saw the show.
I turned away while there was some random words being spoken
back and forth between the parties, and just tried to focus on the preseason
football game that was on the TV. Yeah….I was watching preseason football to
occupy my time. I turn to say something to one of my friends and they were
nowhere to be found, and sitting there staring at me is the aforementioned girl
with daddy issues. In her attempt to sound sexy, she slurred the words, “Let’s
take a shot.” While I scanned the room to see if I could find a guy of equal
inebriation to stick her on, I held up my glass and informed her it was just
water for me. You would think that would be taken as a hint, but she proceeded
to start rubbing my leg and informed me that I should at least buy her a drink.
Genuinely interested, I asked why I should buy her a drink. She says, “you got
to see.” I assumed she meant the uncovering of her breasts as she placed her
hands on her bosoms and sputters, “I gave you something, now you give me
something.” At this point I was tired, annoyed from dealing with drunk people,
and feeling sorry for her. I told her that I would not be giving her a drink,
but I would be giving her something else instead and that is advice. I looked
her in the eye and told her she clearly had some self esteem issues and that no
guys would take her seriously if she continued to act like this. I apparently
struck a chord, because she stood up and told be that I was an F’ing asshole and left. I
realized at that moment that being sober would bring many new challenges, and
if that meant I need to be a father figure to drunks girls in bars, then I
accept the challenge. Who would have thought. I’m becoming a role model.
So I am still new to this and it will take awhile to get used to not being on the same level as people who are intoxicated, but I look
forward to a challenge. It will be fun documenting my new adventures in
reversing the role in which I occupied for so long. If anything it should be at
least entertaining.
No comments:
Post a Comment