My Sober Life the Documentary

My Sober Life the Documentary

Living a life completely free form the influence of alcohol is the ultimate change. It is literally like you woke up from a 10 year coma and everything around you has changed, when in reality, you are the only thing to change. Blogging about my struggles, realizations, and adventures has been a coping mechanism and a way to deal with my world being turned upside down. It has let everyone in my social circle know that this life choice is indeed real. The majority of people are supportive, but there will always be a few who disagree or make it their mission to try and change your mind. I have appreciated the support, but at times it can be overwhelming. As it is so new for me to not drink, it is just as new to everyone I have ever known or partied with. So there will be a bit of a learning curve. Friends and acquaintances are always going to try and help and a common theme has been offering me a soda, soft drink, or some other non-alcoholic beverage. I sincerely appreciate the gesture, but people have to realize that if I drink a Coca Cola every time you go up to the bar to get a new drink that I will go into a diabetic comma. Thank you for the hospitality, but if I am thirsty I am able to get myself refreshment.

Being in your mid twenties and sober you are a rare and almost nonexistent breed. While most cannot fathom the decision, most are supportive, but mostly intrigued as they have never met a sober 26 year old before. They want to know is it hard? Do you like it? Do you miss it? Am I annoying?  Or repeatedly tell me, I have no idea how you do it. You’re a better man than I. I’m proud of you, but you’re crazy. It feels like I am so different now that I should be in a zoo or a part of a traveling museum exhibit that is put on display for people’s enertainment. My mind works in a strange way and I have often pretended in these new sober adventures that I am a rare breed of animal with a Planet Earth like documentary following my every move. In the proceeding italicized text, you must read this in the English accent of your choosing. Mainly because if I can get you to do that, then I will get a chuckle, but it gives it a more dramatic effect like it is a true documentary.

(Insert whispering accent; British, Australian, New Zealand, South African etc.)

Tonight we have been absolutely fortunate enough to stumble upon an adult Aclohol Abstinent Homo Saipan in the wild. This creature is native to the Midwestern United States, but has proven to survive in various climates. Even when the opportunity presents itself this utterly fantastic creature makes the bewildering choice to refrain from drinking alcohol in a social setting. To actually see one in the wild is  of the utmost rarest occasions. It is so rare that famed zoologist Steve Irwin (Rest In Peace) has compared the sighting of one of these magnificent creatures to be on par with seeing the once said to be extinct Dodo bird. This highly evolved individual has an innate sense of patience, a moderate speaking tone, and has amassed the ability to only tell a story once in a given night. Unlike other’s in the animal kingdom, this individual’s mating rituals are vastly different form it’s counterparts. This individual try’s to use wit, humor, and actually listening, to secure potential mates without the use of fireball. While many animals have a distinct mating dance, this individual can be seen in the corner of the dance floor feeling very awkward and uncomfortable. Now we are going to lay low to try not to disturb this animal in hopes to study them, as there is little to no research on one the most rare creatures known to mankind.

I get this is extremely exaggerated, but when you are in these situations you do feel like you are being watched and studied because you are so different. It may me weird, but you have no idea how wildly entertaining it is to go through a night with a bit of English commentary describing your every move.

Being completely sober at social functions like wedding receptions is still new to me, but I am learning and have observed a few things that individuals in my same situation or newly pregnant women will encounter.

1.     Have an escape plan

This is something I was completely unprepared for. To my defense, I had a severely sprained ankle from a recent flag football injury and without this being an alcohol induced injury, I have recently come to the cold realization that I am no longer 17. Due to this injury, I was completely immobile and was unable to get away. Intoxicated people cannot read social cues, body language, or increased annoyance in speaking tone. When one of these drunken leeches finds you, they are not going away. They will tell you everything about their life, for instance that they are only going to have two children because kids are expensive and they just bought an equinox. This actually made complete sense, but at the time was very humorous how it was presented. Can't forget the individual who informed me of how great a listener they were, yet I listened to them ramble for an hour. Also, apparently someone being 2^nd cousins to a person you were talking to earlier is the perfect Segway to introduce yourself and become best friends.

2.     Drunk people are ninjas!

I can only imagine how exhausting this day was for the bride and groom and while I maybe only experienced 1/16 of the stresses a wedding day brings, I was exhausted. Tuxedo shoes are not comfortable in the slightest and my dogs were barking. Too add onto the fact I had a bum ankle and the thought of lying in bed with my feet raised was heavenly. I was able to get into the elevator alone to ensure that I was not followed, as no one knew my room number. As I limped down the hallway to room 308 I stopped for a moment to reflect on the crazy night and leaned my head against the door to collect my thoughts. This was only long enough to let out an exasperated sigh that took no more then 5 seconds. I flung open the door and tossed my suit jacket to the floor. I had a strange feeling that I could not describe and was drawn to watching the door to make sure it shut. Just as the door was reaching its final resting place for the night, a set of flesh colored fingers slid right in between the door and latch preventing the door from shutting.  HOLY CRAP, it was just like that M. Night Shyamalan movie “Signs” where the alien fingers reached under the door and scared viewing audiences all over the world. These were not aliens, but 5 drunk people looking for an after party. How the hell did they find me? There was no one in the hallway when I opened the door and somehow in the 2 seconds it takes for the door to close they were there; stumbling, mumbling, eating all of my munchies, and making themselves at home. With the help of another mildly sober person I was able to get them out of my room, but Damn, I was impressed with their drunken radar and the fact they must have been moving at superhuman speeds to get in there.

3.     Intoxicated people know every word to every song on the radio

Music is a mainstay at most social settings like wedding receptions and when people are “tuned up”, no pun intended, they can sing. It seemed like every song that the DJ plays you would hear a girl scream one of the following phrases:

·      OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG!

·      OMG, THIS IS MY JAM!

·      THIS SONG JUST GETS ME

·      OMG THIS IS TOTES MY FAV SONG RIGHT NOW

Other then having about 50 favorite songs, people who are wasted have amazing lyrical retention. I consider myself a well-read individual, but I can only remember the words to like 4 songs max, and these people can sing every word, to every song ever recorded. Apparently while alcohol may slow your motor functions, it opens up a dormant part of the brain that stores the lyrics of popular top 50 radio songs.

Being sober is definitely a learning experience, but it is something I am getting more and more comfortable with in time. I have stated before that it is not easy and is in fact the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but like anything, if your going to do something you might as well have fun doing it.