I don't have leprosy, I have a drinking problem.

Trust me. To abruptly stop drinking can be an extremely awkward thing. Normal social activities can be awkward as you begin to learn how to interact in a social setting without a buzz. Being you have never done it before you can’t pretend to hide the awkwardness and at times you feel like Rick Bobby from Talladega Nights in his first ESPN interview, as you are not quite sure what to do with your hands.

This is something you are able to foresee as you head into sobriety. It is going to take a little time to be completely comfortable in these situations and could be something that you may never be 100% comfortable with. While this is something you expect, you will never be ready for the fact that your choice to refrain from the use of alcohol will make others feel awkward.

There is no beating around the bush. If you do not drink, then you are basically different from everyone in their 20’s….. except for maybe Tim Tebow. Just like it is a work in progress for Tim Tebow to learn to play quarterback, it’s a work in progress as Jake learns to be sober. 

Now that you are sober, and quite possibly the only sober person that many people know, others are going to feel uncomfortable around you. Everyone acts like they are walking on eggshells around you when it comes to drinking or even talking about drinking. For those unfamiliar with the expression, it is defined in the dictionary as followed:

2. Fig. to be very diplomatic and inoffensive. I was walking on eggshells trying to explain the remark to him without offending him further.

This is something I experience often in the early days of my sober adventures. People do not know how to act around me. I did not murder anyone or was not abducted by aliens. Let me make this very clear. I do not have leprosy. I have a drinking problem. I am not contagious. 

If I bite you, it will not make you become sober, it will just hurt like a mother fucker. I didn’t mean to scare anyone. There is a 95% chance that I will never bite any of you, unless you eat my pretzels or finish off my Cap’n Crunch. You’ve been warned. It sometimes seems like everyone tries so hard to be politically correct that things just get weird. On Monday morning at work, you do not have to stop talking about your crazy weekend if I approach you. I wish you would stop talking about how excited you are for your new fall wardrobe when I approach you, because just like you talking about alcohol around me, I don’t care about your boots.  I am pretty well versed in the art of drinking so probably could be a very good resource for people. I can talk about it.

It is refreshing that people do care and I do appreciate your efforts, but if you offer me a drink, no need to apologize or feel bad. I am prepared to say no and my feelings will not be hurt in the slightest. Just the other day during a football game I was offered a swig of moonshine from a friend. They quickly realized and remembered that I no longer drink and quickly apologized. I did not feel offended in the least bit and let them know that if I were to fall off the wagon; it would most certainly not be to a clear flammable liquid out of a mason jar with the same ph balance as gasoline. Being sober I will have to find a new way to put hair on my chest, because every part of my being wants to have a chest full of hair like Tom Sellek. I am only up to about 19 chest hairs, but am hoping to have a magnificent forest growing under my shirt someday.  Like anything it is going to take time for people to not feel awkward around me as my situation is so different, but think of me like a vegetarian. If you’re with a vegetarian you are not going to feel awkward asking them to pass the mustard so you can enjoy a delicious corndog are you? No, because it their choice to not eat meat like it is my choice to not drink. So please don’t think you need to cater to me in any way. To my benefit, water is served everywhere. Unfortunately for vegetarians, that quinoas shit is not.

I made it a point early on the process of becoming sober that I was not hiding anything from anyone…..hence the blog. Those who know me well, know that I do things my own way and that might even be an understatement. When opening up to others about my situation many offered their sincerest support and reassured me that my secret was safe with them and some even politely asked me what I thought people would think. Now keeping this a secret was never an option as hiding something is a lot of the work. Some days I struggle to just get pants on in the morning so putting forth the effort to keep this a secret just seemed ridiculous. Now I was luckily born with the blessing (or at times a curse) of having the ability to not put much stock in what others think. I mean, of course I care what people think of me. I want people to think that I would give others in need the shirt off my back, or if I saw you on the side of the road with a flat I’d be the first to help put on a spare, and definitely want the world to know that I am one of the best Super Mario World players in the Midwest. Seriously, I am good! Like Tiger Woods pre infidelity scandal good. I am much more concerned with people knowing those things about me then I am fretting about what people think about me opening up about my struggles with alcohol. Many might not know, but I put myself into outpatient rehab. I spent most evenings for the better half of the summer there. Did I think I could stop on my own? Absolutely, because in my head I can do anything on my own, but this is something I wanted bad enough that I had to make it real and felt this was the best way to make that happen. 

Many told me, “Jake, you don’t have a drinking problem!” No you’re right, I wasn’t sitting on the street corner offering a handy for a bottle of vodka, or when getting ready for work I wasn’t brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack (Ok, I hate myself for referencing Ke$ha because I think she is awful, but I have to relate to what people on Facebook know), and honestly I rarely even drank during the week and mostly partied on weekends, but “I” had a problem with “my” drinking and felt it necessary to make some changes. I know some people will think I am crazy or even pathetic for sharing. Many of you couldn’t fathom being so open and transparent to such a large audience about what is going on in your life. But in the awful southern accented words of James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues, “ I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE.”  Thanks for reading and enjoy some football on this fine Sunday.